Monday, February 4, 2013

life and trials

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. For me, that has been true for the last three years.

If you had asked me as a freshman how I saw myself as a soon-to-be-graduating-senior, I would have described a high GPA, getting into the college of my dreams, being inseparable from my current friends, having a boyfriend (or at least dating), getting along with all my classmates, and being overall a happy person, ready for the world. 

In reality, I don't think any of this came to be. My GPA has been shot, there's no way I"ll get into BYU, I've lost countless friends whom I considered to be some of my best, I haven't been in a relationship in over two years, I'm pretty judgmental of my peers, and I'm not super happy all the time. 

To be fair, though, perhaps all of this would have occurred if we lived in a perfect world, but our world is far from perfect. At the same time, everyone else seems to be getting along just fine, so why can't I?

For a while I had recognized the fact that I am not "normal." Which is fine, I wouldn't want to be normal; but to the extent of how messed up I really am can be very frustrating and hopeless at times. 

It wasn't until recently that not only had I recognized this reality of my abnormality, but I had accepted that this is how it is, and it's something that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. Along with this revelation came a sense of a weight being lifted off my shoulders, since it wasn't a question I had to pondered endlessly anymore; it is the way it is. Though, beyond that, I can't say it makes anything easier. 

What I have gotten out of the past few years of my life, however, is preparation. I know that I would not be prepared to go out in the world after high school and live, or even survive, had I not experienced all my struggles and trials. And for that, I am grateful for my trials and pain, because I know Heavenly Father doesn't make us experience suffering without reason. 

Alma 38: 5
[And now my daughter, Taylor,] I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your atrust in God even so much ye shall be bdelivered out of your trials, and your ctroubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.


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