Thursday, September 6, 2012

when things get raw

Today was the second day of school, but the first day that I had to be ready and in class by 7:35. Ugh. I hate mornings. And having Weight Training first thing isn't exactly a motivation to get out of bed. Although, having the class with my best friend helps a little :)

Second period was Pre-Calc. Not much to say other than that we're just reviewing right now. And I'm pretty much the slowest person in the class at getting through assignments. But that's really nothing new. You know those few kids left at the end of the period  who are still finishing their test? Yeah, that's me. 

Things actually got interesting in English, though. And not all in a good way...

We have a huge class full of a mix of interesting people. It will be an interesting year, I think everyone can tell that. My teacher, Mr. McNeal, is pretty great so far. My ex once told me that he was one of his favorite teachers. He seems nice, and entertaining. I think it will be a good year for english (unlike the last two encounters I had in high school).

For the majority of the 90 minutes in class, Mr. McNeal introduced to us and had us brainstorm/discuss in small groups our college essays. He gave us the sheet of prompts and said to start thinking. 

I suppose that in that moment the reality of college and applications became inescapable. This was is. This is my last year of high school. 9 more months and I'll be done. But before that happened, I was going to have to write multiple essays that different college admissions would later read, that could end up being the deciding factor as to if I was accepted or not. The chance to set myself apart from all the other high school seniors in the country, in the world. 

One of the major events in my life that instantly came to mind to write about was sophomore year when I was admitted into the hospital for anorexia. 

Truthfully, I've been thinking about my hospital stay and my whole recovery process a lot lately. I don't necessarily feel too great about my body most times. Sometimes I just wish I was skinny again. And it doesn't help your self-esteem/body image when you're back in class, surrounded by these tall, skinny, beautiful girls who are all about a thousand times prettier than you. 

So in other words, I've had a heightened level of insecurity lately. And after we had narrowed down our options of topics to write about, we were asked to share a little about one of them in our small groups. I sat with my friend Beth and another kid in our grade, Jason. Beth talked first about swim team and how it has impacted her life, then it was my turn. 

"Well, I have one thing I want to write about, but it's a little raw, so I think I'll just talk about something else..." Beth knew to what I was referring, "Can you just try?" she said in the sweetest way possible. 

"Uhhh... I guess..." I began to describe my first day in the hospital, how at dinner that night I sat in my room with one of the nurses, Melanie, eating my meal of chicken and tortillas (along with a few other items that I can't recall at the moment) while she made small, discreet glances at me and my tray to make sure I was eating. That first dinner at the hospital seemed like such a simple task, but for me it was huge. 

I was barely holding it all together by this point. But as I started to tell of how later that night a sweet, old nurse stopped and came to the entry of my room to say, "I just wanted to tell you that you're very pretty," I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. My voice got embarrassingly high as I fought back the tsunami tide behind my eyelids. 

I felt weak. Vulnerable. Beth tried to comfort me by saying, "Look how far are you are now, though." I attempted to smile as I joked, "Look what you made me do, Beth." Although I don't think that it came out quite as humorous as I had hoped, it was more on the sympathetic side. And I am not one to search for sympathy. 

Either way, I tried my hardest to mask my face and eyes from any of the surrounding tables filled with students. I'm not sure how well I covered it up, but once I got myself together to a certain degree, I quickly, quietly walked out of class and to the bathroom to fix any mascara + eyeliner that had made its way from my eyes and onto my face. 

I cried in class. On the first day of english. 

I'm not embarrassed for telling my story or having gone through what I have, but embarrassed that my classmates may have seen me crying and didn't know why. I didn't want to be labeled as anything like 'cry baby' or 'melodramatic' on my first day of class. Hopefully people didn't notice, or better yet they will forget come monday.  

Its been said that 'Crying isn't a sign of weakness; It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long.' I hope this is true in my case...

taylor :]

Monday, August 27, 2012

busy + big plans

Hello there, blogger-verse.

Its been a while, no? Maybe a little too long.

Life has been crazy busy. I don't remember the last time in all this summer haze that I've been so busy. I started a new job last week, which had/has me working from 2 - 10:30 PM everyday. Well, okay, everyday isn't completely true. Last week it started off as 8:30, but that changed after the first or second day. Plus I was let off early once or twice. But at least that's what it's supposed to be, 10:30.

This week I work monday/tuesday 'til 10:30, day off on wednesday, and 8:30 on thursday/friday. What is it that I do, you may be asking. I am a Keelber elf. Sort of. I make gingerbread houses all day long. 

Not too fond of my new job, to be honest. Working in a 80 degree+ bakery for about 8 hours every (week) day is exactly what it sounds like: hot, sweaty, and gingerbread-y. While my new co-workers and friends get to "slave" in the room next door, assembly. They have the grueling job of folding/taping boxes, putting kits together and in the boxes, shrink-wrapping, and playing with, I mean, cutting bubble wrap. Thankfully, however, that will soon be my job. Let me explain.

Friday night the batches of dough we (me and my new friend/co-worker Katie) were making wasn't satisfactory. But you see, Katie has been working over at Gingerbread Traditions for quite some time now, at least since last summer. So, apparently I was the problem in this little equation. The day before I was told that I wasn't mixing correctly, which affected the dough, so then I switched back to measuring out the ingredients, but still, it just wasn't working out. My boss told me, in the nicest way possible, of course, that I basically suck at my job. That was pretty awkward. And a bit surprising too, I thought I was doing pretty well considering the lack of training I had received! But oh well. Now I get to work in the heavily air-conditioned and much more fun room! 

Although I feel really bad for Kendall, whom I switched positions with. At the same time, she's only committed to working for two weeks, and the first week is already over. So it's her last week, but still, it wasn't really a voluntary thing, and I feel kind of terrible that she has to endure through the crappy room. 

Either way, I'm hoping that this will be my last week as well. I have neither confirmed nor denied whether or not I'll be working during the school year officially to my boss, but as of now I'm leaning towards a 'no.' Except I can't say anything until I find another job. Luckily, I've already found two other ones to apply for as replacement. Thank you, Craigslist! 

Overall, work has been consuming my life. At least I get paid, though! Even with all the stupid taxes. My gosh, I hate the government right now for taking my hard earned flippin' cash! And I mean, I've already spent my paycheck (in my mind) on the following things: a new iPod Touch (which I need desperately, not exaggerating at all), Photoshop Elements, concert tickets, and maybe a new camera. 

That's all up in the air right now, though, so we'll see what happens.

As for now, I'll continue my sweatshop of a job and avoiding the reality that is senior year. Ugh.

Wish me luck?

taylor :]

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Life is actually really great right now. Actually, though. I think I'm in a really good place. 

It's strange what one day can do, how so much can change in your demeanor and mentality. It's not as though yesterday was this cathartic day or anything, realistically it was just a normal monday. But at the same time it wasn't.

I had a job interview in the morning, although I think it was more of a formality, because the job I wanted was really just replacing my friend who will be going off to school in a week. So I don't think that they were actually looking for people, seriously looking, but I mean, I still had to come in just for them to make sure I wasn't crazy or anything, haha :) 

Anyways, I got the job, and I'm pretty excited! I'm now a 'Keebler Elf' as my friend, Katia (the one I spoke of above), coined. I get to make gingerbread houses/men all day! And starting this monday I'll be working from 2-8:30 PM for two weeks. You know what that means? Money! Which means shopping! 

It's gonna be weird having money. I've already picked out a thousand things I don't need that I want to buy because, well, I can! I am very excited by the idea of not being broke all the time :)

What else happened yesterday? Hmm. Well I started working out again. Finally. I've been meaning to since the beginning of summer, and that never happened, so I'm glad that I actually got my big butt (actually, I do have a rather large butt, haha) off the couch and up to the rec center by my house. It felt great. And soreness is the only type of pain that comes with satisfaction, in my opinion, and I'm feelin' it a bit today. I'm committed to keeping up this working out, this time. No excuses. 

I guess the only other pivotal part of my day yesterday actually occured in the early hours last night. You see, I'm turing 18 in less than 90 days.. which is so so so weird. And I have a lot to get done before then, so I starting making lists. Lists of things I need to do today, this week, and one more long-term goal. Except I actually feel like I can accomplish all of it, which is a pretty rare feeling in the sluggish summer.

Basically, life is really really good :) I think if I continue of this path, senior year will be fantastic. This morning I was thinking about how I felt at the beginning of junior year, and it's the complete opposite to how I feel right now. I specifically remember going and talking with one of my favorite teachers, Mr. Kumprey, who taught me advanced algebra my sophomore year. I can't write the exact words I said to him, I don't really remember how I phrased it, but I remember how I told him that I felt as though the rest of the year would feel like the first day of being a junior: like I didn't know what was going on, and I was kind of just there. I remember how he remarked that that didn't sound too good, and I shrugged and told him it was the truth. And that's exactly how that year felt. It was terrible. 

It's crazy how much things can change in just a year. Although, change is the only constant; it was bound to happen.

taylor :]

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I am such a 1950s housewife

This morning I naturally woke up at 6:30, and since that almost never happens (especially during the school year), I decided not to fight it.

After killing about a half an our of my time with reading the sunday comics, I decided to make some pancakes. But not just some regular, mix pancakes, no, no, no. The ever-so-yummy buttermilk pancakes from scratch. I know, I'm an awesome daughter/sister. It's true.

So I have this fantasy, though. This strange desire to make these pancakes for a group of teenage guys, my (nonexistent) boyfriend included. I don't really know why. I suppose because first of all, no one makes stuff from scratch these days, so I would impress them with my cooking skills (in reality I'm not much of a cook, but I can follow a recipe). Then my "boyfriend" would be all proud that his girl makes awesome food :) yeah, that'd be pretty great. And last reason would probably be the satisfaction of watching the guys enjoy the food you prepared for them, and for them to tell you that it takes really good.

I don't know, is that stupid? Actually, I don't even care if it is, it's a fantasy of mine. I like the idea of taking care of my man, if I had one, that is. Like a 50s housewife. She stays home, takes care of the children, cooks all the meals, and happily makes her husband a cocktail when he gets home from a long, grueling day at work. Yeah, it's a little archaic, and probably not in line with feminism. Not to say I'm a feminist, but I'm all for female empowerment. But either way, it just seems so... nice. I can't explain it really. 

Anyways, here is the recipe, if anyone out there reading this is interested. They turned out really really good :) Waayyy better than pancakes from a mix:


  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 3 tablespoons white sugar
  • 3 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 3 cups buttermilk
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 3 eggs
  • 1/3 cup butter, melted


  1. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In a separate bowl, beat together buttermilk, milk, eggs and melted butter. Keep the two mixtures separate until you are ready to cook.
  2. Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. You can flick water across the surface and if it beads up and sizzles, it's ready!
  3. Pour the wet mixture into the dry mixture, using a wooden spoon or fork to blend. Stir until it's just blended together. Do not over stir! Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/2 cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot.

[Copied from here: buttermilk pancakes]


taylor :]

Thursday, August 9, 2012

is this real life?!

So here I am, watching Project Runway. It's a normal thursday night, right? I decided to check the latest posts from the blogs I follow, and see that one of them announced the winner to a recent giveaway I entered.

I click on the link and prepared myself for the disappointment of losing a giveaway, as I'm all too familiar with that feeling.

I had to take a double take, and sure enough, it said "CONGRATULATIONS Taylor!" THAT'S ME! AHHH!

This is the best day ever! Now I just need to figure out what I'm gonna spend that $150 on!!! ;)

I'm kind of a dress person myself, so I'm thinking I'll have to pick from one of these:

Hydrangea Jacquard Pleat Dress (my original pick)

Lace Trim Dress (in white)

OR Silk Print Ruffle Trim Maxi Dress

Decisions, decisions. Right now I'm leaning towards the Lace Trim Dress, it would be perfect for senior pictures! :)

What would you get? Comment below!

Thanks again to Bubby & Bean for the awesome giveaway, as well as Jigsaw London

taylor :]

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

this song

I tried to find this last night when I was writing the music monday post, but better late than never?

Such a wonderful, uplifting song that's been used on a bunch of Olympic promos.

Gosh, just listening to it makes me feel happy and hopeful. 


taylor :]

Monday, August 6, 2012

music monday #3

Hello everyone! I hope you're enjoying the Olympics so far! I know I am (go team USA!). 

I didn't want to skip out on posting my music picks for the week, as I did last week (although this entry will be a bit short). But I finally have a life again! Or at least I will for the next month before I have to go back to school. Bleck. At least it's senior year though, can't wait for it to be over!

This weeks selection is a bit more upbeat and fun. A few of my favorites from these particular artists :)

1. Eyes Wide Open - Gotye
I think that when people think of Gotye, they automatically think "Somebody That I Used to Know." Which is a really good song, don't get me wrong, but it's not their only song. 
All potential meanings aside (which get a little political for my taste), it's a wonderful song with a great beat.

2. Out Loud - Dispatch
This song always makes me think of my friend Jonathan. He actually introduced me to Dispatch, and although they aren't my favorite, they have a few gems of music that I quite enjoy.
Such a sweet, honest song that poses a simple question, would you call my name out loud? 
3. 7/4 (Shoreline) - Broken Social Scene
I have a deep love for Broken Social Scene :) A majority of their songs are just instrumental, and are great for setting the mood. Yesterday I had it playing in the background as a wrote a letter to Jonathan, actually. If you don't already have any Broken Social Scene albums, go and pick one up! I recommend the album that this song is on, Forgiveness Rock Record.
4. Foundations - Kate Nash
Don't you just love the sound of British accents? I know I do! 
This one by Kate Nash describes a pretty toxic relationship, purposefully irking each other for the satisfaction of pissing the other off. 
I love love love the chorus, too :)
5. The Girl - City and Colour
This is undoubtably the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I'm a huge fan of Dallas Green, and this is one of my favorites by him. 
I think if anyone ever played/sang for me this song, I would cry. Or die. Or both. If you just listen to one song on this list, it should be this one:
taylor :]

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

shameless self promotion

Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my Pinterest,
So follow me, maybe ;)

But actually.. you should totally follow my boards. Why? Because I have awesome taste in pretty much everything! :) 

Also, while we're on the topic of promotion, I need some help with blog formatting and stuff.

I would very much like to advertise for the various stores I love (ShopSosie, UrbanOG, ASOS, etc. etc.), but I can't figure out how to do that.. 

And the whole pages/tab thing confuses me. Not the actual making of it, but how to make it so every post you have labeled a certain way will end up on that page/tab. 

Perhaps I'm not explaining this well, here's an example: I write a post about how to dip/ombre dye t shirts (which will be coming soon, actually), so I want add it under my DIY tab (once I have one). How do I do that??

Please help?

taylor :]

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Music Monday #2

Yesterday I was super busy, so lets just pretend that today is in fact monday ;)

1. Electric Feel - MGMT

I just love MGMT's vibe, ya know? Very summer-y, blasting through the speakers kind of thing. 

The chorus is incredibly intoxicating, how can you resist?! "Said ooh girl, shock me like an electric eel. Baby girl, turn me on with your electric feel." 

Now the video is a little trippy. No doubt MGMT is on some sort of drug when they write songs or come up with the music videos. Either way, awesome song.

2. Brackett, W9 - Bon Iver
Okay, okay. I know I posted a song by Bon Iver the last Music Monday, but I just can't help myself. They just give me goose bumps! Especially this song. Oh my goodness. This comes from the Dark Was the Night album, a wonderful cause in raising awareness for HIV/AIDS. There are some pretty fantastic collaborations and perhaps some of the greatest alternative/indie artist represented on there. I encourage you to take a listen.
3. Comptine D'un Autre Été: L’après Midi - Yann Tiersen A breathtakingly beautiful song. Sometimes music is more beautiful without lyrics, and I believe that this is the case with this song by Yann Tiersen. I really need to pick up on my french again, but I could translate most of the title: Rhyme of Another Summer - Afternoon. Yann does the majority of the music from the soundtrack of which this song is found, Amélie. I have yet to see the film, but I'm told that it's equally has beautiful as the song.  I chose this video (which my friend used to introduce me to this song) from youtube because I think the animation adds a wonderful element to the song. I think that the interpretation is quite lovely. Just watch:
4. Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) - Conal Fowkes I recently watched Midnight in Paris again, and I think every time I do, I fall more in love with Paris. Such a magnificent film. Oh Woody Allen, you just get me.  Anyways, this song always stood out to me when watching the movie. I like the idea that falling in love is a choice, or perhaps this is the response from a lover that is already head over heals. And I adore the utter simplicity of this tune :)  "Birds to it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let's fall in love." <3
5. Lua - Conor Oberst & Gillian Welch  Ohmygoodess. Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes and Gillian Welch - best collaboration ever? I think yes. Another pick from the Dark Was the Night album, forgive me, but I couldn't resist.  I love love love Conor Oberst. He's simply fantastic. That ever-so recognizable voice as the lead singer from Bright Eyes. His voice just makes me happy :)
Those are my picks for the week, hope you liked them! heart, taylor :]

Sunday, July 29, 2012

PostSecret sundays

Hi there, blogger world.

I've been gone for the past week at church camp (which was the best ever, by the way. Post about it to come soon).

I love sundays. 

One of the many reasons I do is because I get to read a new batch of secrets from PostSecret. (And if you don't already know about PostSecret, read about how it came to be here.) Actually, most of the time I rush to my computer on saturday night and read them, as I live on the west coast so for me they are posted at 9 pm.

I especially like the postcards from this week, so I thought I'd share a few..

I love this secret because it reminds me of my little brother, Jacob. Jacob is eight years old and he's adopted. I honestly can't imagine my life without him. Yeah, we fight a lot, but I love him nonetheless. It doesn't matter that he isn't biologically my mother's, he was just meant to be apart of our family <3

The backside of this postcard reads, "The only time I've EVER cried in THERAPY was when I was MOVING away from my THERAPIST. I could not express my thanks.

I see a psychologist, and getting professional help is nothing to be ashamed of. My psychologist is wonderful, and I really connect with her. I feel as though I can tell her things I can't tell even my closest friends, and I might cry too if I found out I couldn't see her anymore. I can definitely relate to this secret.

I have certain artists and songs that don't remind me of someone who has died, but rather my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes it makes it very difficult to listen to my favorite music without bringing up both pleasant and unpleasant memories. 

This one kind of saddens me. I know what it's like to be on both sides of this secret. I think it's easier for us as humans to tell others that they are beautiful the way they are than to accept it ourselves. What's easy is focusing on the parts of ourselves we hate, be it physically, mentally, etc. Coming to terms and loving the way we are is probably one of the hardest endeavors one can face.

Ending on a lighter note:

This just makes me happy :) That's all.

taylor :]

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

a poem...

I'm currently working on online school right now, doing credit recovery for junior english (it's a long story). One of the recent assignments was to write a poem about an experience or memory you have. 

The assignment guidelines were pretty broad at first, but then they were like "blah blah blah, write it this way, write it that way." So I'm thinking, "Girl, please. I'll write it however the heck I want to."

Writing comes pretty easily for me. And although I haven't written a poem for quite some time, the words came pretty naturally to me. 

I wrote about a specific experience in my life, one that was about a broader theme and major stage/period in my life. I think you can get a pretty good idea of what it was that I was going through, but it's not like, in-your-face obvious. Poetry shouldn't be like that anyways. 

So before I turn in a final draft, I would very much appreciate some feedback/suggestions/critiques... if anyone out there is reading this...

 In a Hospital Bed

It wasn't until then that I fully understood
the gravity of it all;
Sitting in a hospital bed,
inspecting the newly printed wristband.

Hours before my life 
could have been considered normal.
But that was before,
that was before.

Were things really that bad?
How did I end up here?
Monitored at all times, I wasn't a carefree teenager anymore,
I was their patient.

Worried eyes examined
my hollow face that morning;
Rigid, yet frail bones
poked out from my ghostly skin.

But that was before,
that was before.

I remember the dinner of chicken and tortillas
I had ingested that night in my room;
While the nurse made subtle glances
to make sure I was eating.

It took everything out of me 
to keep from breaking down
and crying.

Lost in my thoughts, my eyes met the gaze
of a little old lady standing outside my doorway,
"I just wanted to tell you that you're very pretty."

I smiled and thanked her as she went on her way.
Why couldn't I see what she saw
when I stood in front of the mirror,
staring at the face and body I disgusted.

But that was before,
That was before.

Thoughts, comments? Please post below!

taylor :]

Monday, July 16, 2012

Music Monday #1!

A new addition I'd like to add to my blog! Music Mondays! Because I am obsessed with good music (indie, indie-rock, alternative, folk, etc. etc.).

I realize that other blogs have this installment, such as one of my favorites Little Chief Honeybee. However, I swear that the idea originally came to me from Urban Outfitters' Music Monday, so no hate. I think it's an awesome idea, especially because my favorite songs change every week!  So without further adieu, here is the first of many! Enjoy :)

1. Young Blood - The Naked and Famous

I originally found this song through Birdy, and absolutely amazing artist (and only 16!). She has such a beautiful voice, I'm often envious of her. Although I think her best cover is probably either Skinny Love or People Help the People. Check her out! 

Anyways, I loved her cover of Young Blood, so I looked it up on iTunes and found out it was by The Naked and Famous :) I had heard of them, but never actually listened to their music. Basically I fell in love. Put their CD on hold at the library! ;) 

[side note: the library is a great place to get music! It's free, which is pretty sweet considering that I'm usually broke, haha. Also, it's a bit more ethical than downloading from some site, which, I think we're all guilty of doing at some point. My guitar teacher is an artist, and she has an album, so I can understand that it's kind of not cool to rip off those who have worked so hard, to not only make the album, but establish whatever degree of fame they may have.]

Yay for being young and reckless! :]
2. Fader - The Temper Trap
I personally don't like to officially proclaim myself as a fan of any artist/band unless I have at least one full album by them. I don't know, I would just feel like a poser otherwise. So I found this song after I downloaded the whole Conditions album (from the library!), and I thought it measured up to my other two favorites by them: Love Lost and Sweet Disposition. 
It's a pretty fantastic song, give it a listen: 
3. Creature Fear - Bon Iver
Bon Iver is without doubt one of my favorite artists ever. And it's not HE is one of my favorites, it's THEY. Sorry, it bothers me when people say he, because it's not just Justin Vernon. Credit where credit is due.
I have nearly all of Bon Iver's songs, however, up until yesterday, I was missing this one. I love how it seamlessly transitions to Team, the next song on the album. I cannot get over Justin's voice, not only in this song, but all of them, really. 
I also adore the drama created in the song with the way it's all calm one moment, and the next it's upbeat. Listen, and you'll understand what I'm saying, haha:
4. Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran
If you know me at all, you know that I'm nothing short of obsessed with this soulful ginger. I've actually contemplated what it would be like if we dated, and I mean, after listening to this song, how can you not?! But when you Ed's music, you'll soon come to the conclusion that I have that he would unfortunately be a terrible boyfriend. He has good intentions, but perhaps it's better just to fantasize about it.
I digress. This song is absolutely adorable. In one of his intimate live performances of this song found on youtube, he explained that he wrote this song while he was away from her girlfriend at the time, and how the distance from someone you love really makes you think about all those little things they do that are kind of weird, but you miss the most. 
I CANNOT wait for his concert in October! :)
Well, I think that's sufficient for this segment! Comment below, let me know what you think of my picks and share your own! 
taylor :]